Self-Confidence
“I feel like I’m in the most confident state of my life” I’ve told myself probably a thousand times over. But inevitably, something comes up again to remind me that there’s still a lot of maturing to do. Will I ever get there? Am I even capable of being confident in myself?
Through putting myself in front of audiences a thousand times, building up my skill set, having so many interesting conversations with uniquely different folks, I’ve come to realize that self-confidence has nothing to do with achieving anything, or being better than anyone. What it actually is is the state of cool, calm clarity that we so often long for… when we’re no longer looking for it.
It’s the realization that seeking a “better life situation” is a running away from the present moment to a fake fantasy. It’s knowing that we’re already good enough to move in the direction that aligns with our wise intuition. There’s another word for this: Presence.
The state of running away to fantasies of success, desiring relationships, needing things to be different (like taking drugs to ease the pain) cannot survive in a state of confidence. Because you realize you don’t need the fantasy anymore. All you have to do is give what you’ve got. Attentively listen. And when it isn’t being reciprocated, walk away knowing you’ve done your part and Just. Keep. Going.
Am I in a confident state 100% of the time? No, absolutely fucking not! But, I have built enough awareness to catch myself when I’m in a state of seeking, opening the door back to presence. Self-confidence and presence are two words pointing in the same direction. It comes when we’re no longer seeking it. I think you know which direction you wish to choose.
Song 
: “Elzics Farewell” in the style of Reeltime Travelers (2002).
Feeling Discombobulated
With everything going on in the world right now, let alone in our own lives, it can be hard to know where to place our emotional focus. Obviously, right? But, in the face of this, I really think the notion “water the garden under your feet” isn’t just spot on, it’s super practical.
Things like the abuses by ICE, families murdered daily in psychopathic wars, and government endorsed pedo protection are so obviously not ok, how could you not feel huge emotions?
Then, take whatever personal everyday stuff you struggle with on top of that. Is that always easy to deal with? No, I didn’t think so. So where’s the room to even begin to know what to do?!
Well, when that question comes up (and it will come up again, and again) I try to remember to take stock of what’s right in front of me. Make my bed. Practice music. Hold compassionate space for my awesome roommates. Do what needs doing today. Or relax and read LOTR for a while. Write a post that’s probably too long, but whatever, who cares.
The point is, if I’m responsible with what’s right under my feet, then my foundation becomes that much healthier, therefore the orbit in which I can be available to serve has room to grow.
The garden is always greener where we water it, and it’s always available to us. I don’t always know where that’s going to lead, but I know tending to the needs of today is a noble enough place to begin inviting light where it was dark.
Song 🎻: “Cripple Creek” in the style of Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs.
From Classical Violin to Fiddle
People often ask me if it was difficult transitioning from classical violin to country fiddle. The answer is yes, and no. Yes, because it takes a lot of rewiring of old habits. No, because if you put time into anything you can physically do, it’s guaranteed that you’ll get better at it.
I started playing classical violin when I was eleven. It wasn’t until about 2018 that I started dabbling in Americana music. I had to unlearn fifteen years of training. New techniques had to be incorporated. Let me break it down a little.
Where bowing was once melody driven, my bow arm now had to play the role of the rhythm section, while at the same time fingering melodies with my left hand.
Improvising is a huge part of fiddling, so I had to let go of the rigidity of my classical training, turning it into active listening and responding in my own unique way with no sheet music to fall back to.
Even getting comfortable positioning the fiddle on my chest rather than my shoulder lent itself to the looseness of the style, though it took a lot of practice to get it right.
Then, taking all that and ramping up the pickin’ speed to 11 for bluegrass felt absolutely daunting.
At first, I was constantly bombarded with thoughts of “I’m not good enough”, or “There’s no way they’ll accept me.” Because there’s so much I was going through to transition to where I am now. And I’m still learning and getting better all the time, building trust and confidence in myself.
Even now I have moments of “I cannot believe I am playing this music with these people on this stage and the audience is enjoying it.” And boy, has the journey made my world so much bigger. What pivot are you making? Whatever it is, I’m in your corner.
Song : Double Violin Concerto in A Minor, Third Movement by Johann Sebastian Bach.
Social Anxiety
I’ve struggled with a lot of social anxiety growing up. That and a dose of ADHD can really be hard on a kid! Maybe that’s why I was prone to the condition of becoming an artist.
So, I became an artist. Years of being vulnerable on stages and mingling with audiences was at first terrifying for me. What if I’m not good enough? What if I embarrass myself? What if I’m anxious?!
But with practice, I grew more relaxed with it. Eventually, I realized that when I show up as someone who just wants to understand the person in front of me, and attentively listen, it helps take me out of my own head, and my nervous system calms down. What happens next time you reframe an interaction this way?
I think we often impact people in ways we don’t always see. So, I want to share that interacting with people like you has directly helped me to crack open my shell. Thank you for holding space for me. Thank you for being you! You’re totally not alone in these big feelings.
Song 🎻: “Whiskey Before Breakfast”
How We Show up to the Stage Matters
As a performing artist, I’ve learned that a primary responsibility for any show is to work on myself. Because the stuff I bring with me to the stage gets picked up by you, the audience and the other band members, in a very physical way.
The same nervous system that houses my creativity and animates my fingers is the same nervous system that is tensed up or calmed down depending on how present I am.
If I bring calm to the stage because I held space for the thing I was feeling that day, then that calm state is also manifesting within my creative brain, through my fingers, into the music, vibrating the air, and entering your own ears and nervous system.
You internalize the vibes and give them back to me through your own being. Back and forth, back and forth, giving and recieving, creating a positive feedback loop of calm.
Sharing calm, cool joy with you is what I’m committed to, especially in these unconscious times. And isn’t it our job as artists to spread joy in a tense world? Then it’s our responsibility to work on ourselves, too.
Song 🎻: “Lost Indian” in the style of Kenny Baker.
Letting Go
Boy, have I spent too much time and energy holding on to that which no longer serves me. Can you relate?
We’ve grown so used to living with a fired up nervous system. So, letting go can feel really big. It’s like diving off the deep end for the first time. But did you ever feel disappointed when you broke through?
No! You felt proud of yourself. More confident. More relaxed in your own skin. You did it! You didn’t resist, you let go of your fear. You built trust in yourself. For me, this happens every time I step on a stage.
It doesn’t mean that you’ve figured it all out. There will always be things that come up, like the end of a relationship, a career change, or the death of a loved one.
What it does mean is that you can face what comes without resisting for fear of the outcome. What is that thing you’re resisting?
This is an invitation to let it go. If not completely today, then a little more than yesterday. I’m practicing letting go of resisting hitting “share” on this post. Ok, here I go, CLICK!
Song: “Sugar Tree Stomp” in the style of Kenny Baker.
You're Already Enough
I’ve been thinking of ways to express myself more openly and honestly on social media. It’s something I’ve wanted to do, but a combination of vulnerability and a lack of knowledge has contributed to my fear of starting. This post isn’t easy for me, but I want to start somewhere. This is me starting.
About five years ago I began freelancing out on my own. I didn’t really have the knowledge, connections, or expertise to know where to start. Heck, it wasn’t ever in my plans or mindset that I would be a fiddler, or listen to country music or the Grateful Dead. I was trained in classical music! Yet, I knew that if I set aside my attachment to the outcome, the path would reveal itself to me in whatever form it decided to take.
So I got to practicing, connected with one group which led to another, and another, and another (and another), honing my craft, hour after hour, the whole time. Now, fiddling is finding me friends, bringing me joy, and paying my rent. And things continue to grow in ways unexpected.
I’m here to remind you that you really don’t need to do more. There’s nothing you need to add to start somewhere. You’re already enough. So take a step in any direction that works for you. Wherever you’re going, start here and start now. I promise you your world will open up.
🎻 Song: “Sugar Tree Stomp” in the style of Kenny Baker.